Have you ever felt the emotion of fear? The Webster Dictionary defines it as an unpleasant , often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger and accompanied by increased autonomic activity. The weeks leading up to my scheduled CSection last fall were hard. I silently struggled with fear. Fear is something I’ve never wrestled through before. We have all experienced feelings of worry, anxiety, confusion, sadness or anger, but fear felt different.

Four years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my son I was determined to have a vaginal delivery. I had previously had two CSections and I wanted the experience of a natural birth. The type of birth you see in the movies and the birth I selfishly thought I deserved. We went almost 42 weeks with no labor so my doctor agreed to an induction. After arriving at the hospital , pitocin administered, and thirty hours of praying “ I’ll ride this out as long as you’ll let me, and please keep my baby safe”, my doctor sat on the edge of my bed and said “Right now I have a healthy mom and a healthy baby. If this continues most likely I will be performing an emergency CSection”. To which I replied “ this ship has sailed”. As I was put on the surgery table , completely numb from the chest down  ( this for me is the most terrifying thing; my anxiety skyrockets and my blood pressure along with it. The reality that I can’t feel or move anything and the only part I can is tied down to the table with straps is the hardest part for my mindspace) he proceeded to cut through the layers; the skin, tissue, muscles and by the time he got to my uterus that held that sweet baby it just tore open. The pitocin had indeed been working but was pushing my son through my old CSection scar. I truly believe God was holding that scar together for us.

So here I was  looking at that moment again. Thinking about that surgery table and what could have happened led me to spiral in fear. Every morning I would grab my Bible and journal then head to my spot in the corner. In my space where I meet with Jesus every morning is where the fear started to creep in. Slow at first but with every morning it increased. My thoughts were heavy and dark. I spent some of these mornings asking “Will I be sitting here in a couple weeks or will I never return from the hospital. If I do return will I return as the same person? Will I have a stroke? Will I be paralyzed because of a misplaced needle? Will I come home with my baby? Will I hold he/she in this very spot in my house? What will happen to the rest of my family? Will you draw them in ? What if I’m not here to lead them? What if something does happen, what will my faith look like after that?” The thoughts circled and circled . They got darker and darker and soon took over most of my thoughts through the day and night. When I did fall asleep I would wake up thinking about all these fears playing them over and over. Every morning I would sit in my spot and try to surrender them but they were loud. I prayed I would feel comfort and peace. During this time God continued to show up in many ways. He sent a friend who would bring me food once a week and leave it at my door. I received texts from friends that were praying for me. I specifically remember receiving a text one day that said “ God keeps pressing on me that you have a heaviness, you don’t have to. I’d like to help but I’m not sure what’s going on”. I kept silent about my struggles but consistently cried out to God in gratitude for sending people to comfort me.  At this time I also had a playlist on Spotify called September 23rd. My situation had gotten so dark I had a whole set of songs dedicated to reminding me WHO I was supposed to run to with my fears. The Holy Spirit seemed to hand pick them for me.  On two different occasions God reassured me regarding the fears around my other children. Last Summer during a worship service at church camp my oldest went down to the altar to pray with a friend. I knew in that moment it wasn’t an altar call, but it was a glimpse of the process. I could see him drawing her in. I remember the song very clearly. I had added that song to my playlist . One day while listening to it my daughter said “Oh, I remember this song playing when I was at the altar”. It was as if God was answering some of my questions. “ See, I am leading her, she is mine”. And then again the day my second oldest went to the altar at church to pray for me. “See, I am drawing her in too, she is mine”. 

In those last couple days before my CSection date I continued to meet with Jesus just like every morning and I tried to surrender my fear over and over until I got to Luke, one of the gospels, 10:38-42. I had been reading the Bible in a year and this was my scripture for the day:

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me”. But the Lord answered her, “ Martha, Martha you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her”.

At first I read this and said, “Jesus, I’m not Martha, I’m Mary everytime in this story. I meet with you, at your feet every morning. Why am I still struggling? I’m not rushing around, I’m being still”! I heard him say “ Read it again”. This time I saw something different, something I had never seen before. Yes, my posture was at the feet of Jesus but my mind was not. My mind was Martha. Think about it, whenever you’re preparing for guests to come over of course you’re running around the house getting the last minute things done, but you’re not running as fast as your mind. “Did I clean that upstairs sink? Are all my dishes done? Did I vacuum my baseboards in every room? What time did I tell everyone to arrive, I can’t remember. When did I put that dish in the oven? Maybe I should put more chairs out? You get it . I was at his feet but my mind was somewhere else completely. I cried. I cried a lot. I read and reread that passage. I let it wash over me. “ Martha, Martha you are anxious and troubled about many things, but only one is necessary”. Clear your mind, dwell at the feet of Jesus.

I’d like you to imagine a merry-go round. You get on it and you sit in the middle but then it starts to spin. It starts to spin so fast even though you’re sitting you feel sick and out of control. You’re yelling for it to stop but it just keeps getting faster. Suddenly someone comes and puts their hand on that bar. The merry-go round stops. After you get your bearings, you stand up, take their hand and step out on sure ground. This is how I felt. With one word Jesus had stopped the circling. 

On Tuesday, October 24th I went in for my CSection. I was somewhat nervous but I had peace. It was my turn, I was called into the room. As I climbed on that table I whispered “only one thing is necessary’. They laid me down . Right before they began my doctor got called downstairs for an emergency. There I was, at the feet of Jesus. I repeated “Martha, Martha you are anxious and troubled about many things but only one thing is necessary”. With the only thing I can describe as the peace that passes all understanding, I laid there for fifteen minutes in complete silence waiting at the feet of Jesus. My doctor later returned and successfully delivered my beautiful baby girl. 

It was a few days after I had been discharged and was at home when I read the story of Peter and Jesus. Peter was one of Jesus’ closest friends. Jesus loved Peter. Peter had walked with Jesus for three years. He had seen Jesus heal people, Jesus walk on water, bring the dead to life and many other miraculous things. Before Jesus was arrested he looked at a very sure Peter and told him “Simon, Simon, behold Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again. Strengthen your brothers”. Luke 22;31-32. Again this very sure Peter said he’d go to prison and to death with Jesus. Jesus told him “Peter, the rooster will not crow today until you have denied me three times”. After the people took Jesus, Peter did just what was said, he denied Jesus three times, the rooster crowed, and Peter wept bitterly.

As I read that I understood Peter in a way I had never before. I too knew Jesus, I had sat with him, I’d seen him move in unmoveable situations. How could my faith be so little that I allowed myself to become consumed with all those anxious thoughts and fear? I can’t imagine the guilt and shame Peter felt after that. But then again, I can. In that moment I felt it. I felt shame and guilt for struggling for so long. But I remembered the rest of the story.  After Jesus was crucified then resurrected he appeared to his disciples for many days. In the Gospel John, Jesus and Peter are sitting by a fire. Jesus asks Peter three times if he loves him. He tells Peter; feed my sheep, feed my lambs, tend my sheep. Bible scholars believe Jesus is redeeming/restoring Peter in that scripture. Then Jesus closes with his original call “Follow me”.  I sat in that for a little. Yes I felt shame and guilt BUT Jesus. He wants to restore me. I embraced the grace.  

Have you been there? Have you let thoughts or dark periods stay a little too long and now you just feel guilty and ashamed? Maybe you’ve made some bad choices or better yet denied Jesus. It doesn’t matter. Let your guilt go and embrace the grace that he freely offers. Let him restore you. Sit with him, at the feet of Jesus and follow him.

Reflection:

1. Do you have a set place where you talk to Jesus? If so, are you allowing your mind to create space in this time to truly lay at the feet of Jesus?

2. Have you ever experienced paralyzing fear or anxiety? If you can reflect on this, where did you see God walking with you?

3. Have you surrounded yourself with people God can use to comfort you? Pray for you? Help point you to truth? If so great, what a blessing. If not, please pray for a community like that. 
4. Do you allow your thoughts to go to a dark place? If so, I’ve found it so helpful to have my verses ready for battle. What are yours?
5. Be honest. Are you in the word daily? We can’t expect internal transformation without digesting his Word.

If you find yourself in a place of fear because your thoughts are spiraling, please don’t keep quiet. The longer you entertain these thoughts the louder they will get. Find a trustworthy friend who you know will pray with you and point you to scripture and truth. 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. Philippians 4:7

Is Prayer Worth My Time?My morning starts early. Well earlier than I’d like it to. I’m not like my friend who gets up at 4am ready to work out and own the day. Being a non-morning person, it’s always going to arrive earlier than I like. It’s not the time that leaves me sour, it’s the demands. I am a stay at home/homeschool mom of four sweet kids. So the needs start as soon as my first kiddo wakes up. Usually mid way through my coffee cup the bedroom door swings wide open with the most enthusiastic child in the house. My 4 year old son. He RUNS out that door with lots to say already about the day and what he wants to eat as he is quickly opening and slamming all the cabinets, pantries, and refrigerator doors demanding his breakfast.  From that moment until bedtime my time is packed with needs that have to be met. So, is prayer worth my time? I feel like I have so little extra time in the course of a day if I’m making room in my “schedule” it’s gotta be important to get attention.On first glance the answer seems pretty obvious and if you have been in church for any length of time ( be it even 20 years ago at a 4 hr VBS drop in) you would say ummmm.. Yes, of course. But WHY is it important? 

In the book of Mark, chapter 9, there is a story that gets my attention. There’s this boy who is housing an unclean spirit. He’s foaming at the mouth, having seizures, grinding his teeth and his father is desperate to get him help. The disciples are trying their best to rid this boy of his affliction but they are failing. Jesus walks up , the father asks IF you can do anything, have compassion and  help us. (First of all, let’s give this guy some credit. I get we’re all thinking “ whoa sir did you just challenge Jesus?” but we do have the advantage of knowing WHO Jesus is in a way he didn’t.) Jesus responds with “all things are possible for one who believes”. The father of the child cries out “I believe, help my unbelief”.  The spirit leaves the child and Jesus and his disciples head home. The story ends with the disciples scratching their heads a bit. Umm what was the difference? How was Jesus able to do it but we couldn’t?  Jesus tells them simply prayer was the difference. 

Prayer isn’t magic, but prayer does change us. The prayer that changed that particular situation I believe was the fathers. He prayed, cried out even, “help MY unbelief”. I don’t know about you but at first glance that seems like an odd prayer. How about please heal my son or please take this away from him and send it to that bully on the playground. Prayer is meant to change YOU. Not necessarily the situation, although in this particular passage it did. Prayer changes your outlook, your heart and the atmosphere of your life. It is a beautiful gift God has given us. We get to communicate with him whenever we want to. I think the question is….do we WANT to? Do we want to set aside the time to pray? Prayer changed that fathers unbelief and as a result I believe it increased his faith. So,  If prayer changes my heart then yes, yes I do. If my heart is changed and softened by prayer in the morning BEFORE that sweet little boy comes running in then I’m going to make time for it. On my own, without the Holy Spirit prompts I would begrudgingly get up, roll my eyes,  throw a fruit bar at him and turn on the tv and go back to my sulking that I’d even been talked to before 7am.  Okay, that was a little extreme, I may not be THAT rude, but you get the picture. Prayer changes MY actions and ability to love people better. How? Time with Jesus does wonders. I know it sounds like prayer is all about me. It’s not. If I make time to pray it will be like a domino that affects everyone around me that I come into contact with. That careless grocery loader at pick up, that annoying know it all at the chick aisle in your local farm store or the patient who wants their whole room reorganized because no one does it right, in your last 2 minutes of the session. These little annoyances add up my friends. My time with Jesus changes MY reaction to them. Time in prayer with Jesus changes the course of your day. There are all kinds of prayers. You more than likely pray when there is a prayer request for healing, or your heart breaks for someone. You need God to move in some area. There may be some catastrophic event that is taking place around you or a continent away even. Those types of prayers we are drawn to pray and please pray them. Just don’t overlook the everyday prayer time.  Make time for the one who can stir up your affections and change your heart. You need it, those around you need, and the world needs it. 

Ephesians 6:18 “And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

Romans 12:12 “ Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Colossians 4:2 “ Devote yourself to prayer, being watchful and thankful.”

I mean…. If JESUS did it, then we all probably need  to make time for it right?:

Luke 6:12 “One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God.”

Let’s get Honest. Take inventory,

1.how often do you pray?       

2.  What are you usually praying for? I.e.  family, friends, the world, healing, just because?    

  3.  Do you need to set aside time to pray daily that’s more convenient for  you? (I find practicality usually results in success.) i.e. car time, shower time, before anyone gets up, lunch break.     

4. In what ways can you see or hope to see prayer changing you? 

I like being loved quietly. What I mean is my husband will bring me home a burrito from my favorite place without asking how I want it made. He will occasionally get up early on a weekend while I’m still asleep to get me a special coffee drink that I like or bring me home a treat anytime he goes to Rural King. So, how does he know those things would be something I wanted? He knows me. He has studied me and accurately concluded I love Moes burritos, white chocolate lattes with caramel added and double dipped chocolate peanuts. My social media account apparently doesn’t know me so well. Recently I was bombarded with ad after ad online trying to convince the man in my life all I could ever want for Valentines day was dancing in my kitchen with him. If he would just buy these lessons to “show off his gal” (that’s legit their pitch)  I would be incredibly happy and thankful he picked the perfect gift. Well, here’s the truth, Facebook you’re wrong. Frankly I’m surprised at this. Why?  All social media, your internet and your phone have become really good at studying you. It’s this fancy system called an algorithm. It’s programmed to study you. To find out what you want so it can bring it up on screen for you. Over and over. Your clicks, your lingering views, your search engines, all these things compile to study who you are and what you want. They know you. It’s perfect marketing until it’s not. I have zero desire to attend dance lessons or dance in my kitchen and I would be a little hurt if Kyle bought into that. Why? Because he’s supposed to KNOW me. How do you truly KNOW someone? What If I know of someone? Is that the same as KNOWING them? Certainly not.

In Matthew chapter 7 Jesus is giving his Sermon on the Mount. This is right after the beginning of his public teachings. He teaches on many topics during this passage ; fasting, anger, judgment, serving, loving your enemies and nearing the end of his teaching he says “Not everyone who says to me Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of Heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in Heaven. On that day many will say to me Lord, Lord did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name? And then will I declare to them, I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness”.

This passage has at times frightened me a bit. How can someone who cast out demons, prophesy and do mighty works not enter the kingdom of Heaven? Seems like it computes, but I believe you can know of someone and maybe even do things for them but not really KNOW them. Jesus calls us to be in relationship with him, not action or just bible trivia knowledge. He wants to KNOW you and you to KNOW him. So, let’s ask ourselves how. How can you truly KNOW someone? How does Kyle know I like what I like? The answer is time. Time spent with Jesus and time in the word relays his character to you.  His story. Church people say the bible is living and active. What does that mean? My best way to describe it is that “aha” you get when you read a scripture you have read so many times before but it just hits you differently this time. That is the Holy Spirit working through God’s word to reveal God’s heart to you. The bible is new everytime you read it. Another way to KNOW him is prayer. When you think about who you KNOW the best I would imagine it’s the people you verbally communicate with regularly. The thing about prayer that gets missed is that it’s a conversation. It’s not just you talking endlessly, sometimes you should just listen. To sit in silence and draw your complete focus to Jesus. He will reveal himself to you. He wants you to know him. You can know of Jesus without KNOWING him. I think my phone knows that historically women like romance and dancing. However my phone didn’t study me well. It thought it was doing something for me, a favor, but clearly it hasn’t spent any real time with me. It knows I’m married and a female but it doesn’t really KNOW me. We may know Jesus is the son of GOD and someone we are supposed to worship on Sunday but we should ask ourselves do we really KNOW him? We should be searching his word and talking to him like we are an algorithm, zealous to KNOW him more intimately. Jeremiah 29:13 says “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” I pray he will make himself more known to me in new, deeper ways. As for my phone and facebook, they would do better to send Kyle messages for unique coffee mugs, hiking boots, cozy blankets or journals.

1 Has Matthew 7:23 ever hit you with fear? Why?

2. Have you had any “aha” moments during your bible readings lately? What were they?

3. How real is God’s presence in your life right now?

Dear Heavenly Father, you knit me together in my mothers womb before I was known to anyone, please draw me closer to you and make yourself more known to me. Speak to me as I walk through my days and help me to be an aroma of Christ to those around me. In Jesus name, Amen.

Don’t go back to Egypt

About 4 years ago God called me out. He didn’t shine a crazy light on me or declare a showdown at high noon but he whispered it.  He guided me to a place gently where I had to confront it. Community. Not just any community, spiritual community that would grow me, sanctify me and draw me out of the seclusive lifestyle I was comfortable in.  Up until that season I was used to life without it. Sure, I had a few friends that were pretty casual, no one that would check on you if you wandered away for a while and that was totally normal and ok to me. I had two babies without a “meal train” or anyone bothering me about choices in parenting, how I spent my time, my mental health, my growth as a person etc. I was free to be alone, and that is really what I preferred. However, I had made the decision to homeschool and even though being home with my kids and no one else to ever answer to would have fit me just fine , I felt a pull to join a new homeschool group forming at a local church. Maybe it felt safe because I literally knew no one there and I could try it and then leave if I wanted , no questions asked. There was also a part of me that wondered how others did this homeschool thing and then of course the aspect of my kids having a good time. Either way, I joined and committed to it. I had zero idea at the time it would change my life. 

I fell into a group (hindsight the Holy Spirit did some work) of women who loved Jesus. Sure, all of us Christians love Jesus but, these women were hungry for Jesus. They couldn’t get enough. They had a Bible study group that I reluctantly agreed to join. I say reluctantly because I am honest. It’s not that I wasn’t a Bible reader already but, to read it together and then have discussion in a room full of other people I thought I could probably do without. After attending a few study sessions something started happening. I felt changes. I wanted a connection with these women and I wanted it because this spiritual community was always pointing to Jesus and Jesus is someone I can’t do life without. I spent the next few years investing in any opportunity that I could that was surrounded with people and was solely focused on growing their relationship in Christ. I found myself serving in so many ways that I had never imagined I would. I developed a few close relationships that were centered on spiritual growth and accountability. The timing of all this would seem unique, you could say. Did I mention this was all during a time where people were actually discouraged from connecting? That’s right, In God’s impeccable timing I was drawn to community during the Great Covid shutdown. Seems strange that the master of isolation would be desiring to draw others to the world of community when my previous way of life was on trend right? Isaiah 55; 8-9 says “ For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts”.  Have you ever watched the old VH1 or MTV show “Where are they now?” That’s what I figure you’re asking right now. Cliff notes- so, you spent years in isolation, without community, met some people, got pulled into community , all was well…….So, “where are you now”?

Do you remember all your Sunday School lessons on Exodus? Let me refresh your memory. God’s people, the Israelites , were slaves in Egypt under Pharaoh. A man named Moses was born during a time where Israelite babies were being thinned out. If it was a girl that was fine ,but if it was a boy they were instructed by Pharaoh to cast them into the Nile River. However, Moses’ mother couldn’t do it. She instead placed him into a basket. Pharaoh’s daughter  found him and took him as her own and he was raised as an Egyptian. Years later God called on Moses to rescue his people from slavery and take them to their new home. To the Promised Land. After some plagues, parting of a sea, 40 years of wandering in the wilderness they finally reached their Promised Land. Slaves no more, and prospering ahead. This sounds perfect. The problem is people are not perfect. The Israelites made terrible decisions, turned from God, worshiped other things, compromised in so many ways and forgot about the great rescue they had been told about from their descendents.  If you continue to read through the books of the Old Testament and generations, you’ll find they actually go back to Egypt! What? After all of that they go back to Egypt? I don’t remember that in my Sunday School class, but it’s human nature to retract and fall back into old patterns. Have you experienced this? Are you there now? Has God released you from something only for you to find yourself right back where you were? The addiction you quit, the thought process you had on replay, the overstriving and overdoing, the anxiety, depression, idol worship. Were you in a place of flourishment but now in a place of complacency? You went to bed with your Bible in your hand but now it’s your phone, you cut paid off credit cards only to now have them alphabetized in your wallet. The list is endless, but you have your very own personal Egypt and it’s human nature to go back to our Egypt. 

Im currently 31 weeks pregnant so my sleep life is dicey to say the least and my dreams are a little vivid. The other night, and I apologize for you with weak stomachs, I had a very vivid dream. My dog went to the corner of the room and vomited. I then proceeded to run over there and….well…..I ate it. I know, it’s so disgusting. I woke up instantly and felt the Holy Spirit say “ As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly”. Proverbs 26:11. I knew what he was talking about. I have pulled back on community to some degree this past year. I’ve had some life changes that have left me with limited time, energy and it would be so easy to slip back into old patterns and behaviors. Praise be to God that he has placed a few people in my life that hold me accountable and help shepherd me.  My friend Liz and I like to call her the “Old Erica”. 

If you have found yourself back in Egypt or gazing that way, do you have someone to help pull you back? 

When the remnant of Israelites were headed back to Egypt, God spoke to them through the prophet Jeremiah. He said, “ Remain here, don’t go back to Egypt, I will build you up and I will plant you”. They chose to ignore Jeremiah’s warning and God’s promise. ( Jeremiah 42). God rescued them once, and he offered to do it again. He is merciful and loving like that. He can do that for you too. If you’ve found yourself somewhere you don’t want to be, he can restore you. If you have traveled back to an old way of life, a bad habit that he has faithfully rescued you from before, He can redeem you. 

1. When has God rescued you from your Egypt? Think about the details and let it spur you on to Thanksgiving and gratitude.

2. Where are you now? God can redeem anyone or anything. He can do it over and over again.

3. Do you need to build an accountability community? It takes humility and prayer from my experience.   Also well worth it.

4. Spend some time in quiet with him and ask him to come alongside you and deliver you yet again if needed. 

My 4yr old son doesn’t have a problem falling asleep. Yesterday I had just given him a bath which is a chore because the boy hates baths and always has. I think the neighbors believe he’s probably being brutally tortured. A couple hours after that he found a black permanent marker. Do you see where this is going? I don’t think he could have covered himself better. I asked him the most obvious question, “Seriously, why did you write all over yourself?” I got a giggle and a smile. That’s about as honest of an answer you could get from a busy little boy. It meant “it looked fun”. So, to the stairs he went for a time out. A few minutes later I found him completely passed out on the hardwood stairs without a care in the world. It looked uncomfortable to me, but kids can sleep anywhere. I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. Call it a gift if you’d like. I have talked to enough of my friends who tell me it doesn’t always work that way for them. They toss and turn, go through the whole day of events or think about tomorrow’s plans. I don’t normally struggle with that. As a matter of fact every New Years Eve people ask me “Are you staying up until midnight this year?” My answer is always the same. “ It will be a new year when I wake up tomorrow too”. The other week however, this was absolutely not the case.

I had just had a full and exciting day at a meeting my friends and I were leading. We had been working for a few months on launching a new homeschool co op in our area. We had generated our social media page and set up a booth at a local homeschool fair. We had done all the pregame work. We had the location, the dates, the by-laws, the mission statement and the blueprints for how it would all work. What we needed now was parents and kids. This is where the informational meeting came into play. The meeting went well. No, the meeting went really well. We had over a hundred kids registered and paid by the end of the day. The excitement and gratitude I had that evening was palpable. God had placed something on our hearts, we obeyed and he totally showed up. That night however the excitement turned into something unexpected. Anxiety. It crept in before I even realized it and I didn’t even fully know it was taking place. See, the registration forms were constantly running through my head. Everything was on them; parents names,children registered and what parents wanted to teach. “Oh, what classes can we offer? How will we fill all these class periods up? What if I miss someone’s payment? Did I get every child transferred to my google docs? Literally all the questions you could think of in the course of an evening I had, and I had them over and over. I would go to bed with my computer late and wake up early with my computer. I was trying to do everything in my own strength and with little sleep or a restful heart.  After a few days of this I had to ask myself why. Why the hyper-focus and the feeling if I dropped one of my glass balls I was juggling it would all fall apart. I didn’t like my answer and you may not like yours if you ask yourself the same question with whatever is causing your internal distress. The ugly reality was I thought pridefully it all depended on me. If this was going to succeed my friends and I would need to eat, breathe and not sleep in my case, this endeavor or it would fall apart. 

Do you remember David and Goliath from Sunday School? David killed the huge giant with a single shot of a rock from his slingshot to his head. David attributed that to God, not of his own doing.  Much later David became king over Israel. He wasn’t a perfect king but was described as a man after God’s own heart. David had many sons but his son Solomon was who he chose as the next king. King Solomon was given the crown at a young age so he asked God for wisdom to govern well. God said he would give Solomon wisdom and a discerning mind like no one before or after him. During Solomon’s reign the temple where God dwelled with his people was built. I have read through the accounts of the build. The instructions were specific and I can’t fully appreciate the work or process, but with God’s instruction it was accomplished. 

I am currently reading through the Bible in a year. You could call it coincidence or divinely scheduled, but during this time of my over anxious heart and sleepless nights I was reading through the Psalms. Psalm 127 to be exact. This Psalm was written by King Solomon. “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.” Boy was I convicted to my core. It’s not the building, watching or doing that’s the problem. God instructs us to be productive. I think it is the anxious toil. When I start building, watching and planning without the mindset that God is the actual builder and I start to believe it’s in my ability, it’s all in vain. If I toss and turn all night in anxious thoughts that I will ruin it and miss something, I’m forgetting who’s really in charge. I can imagine King Solomon understood this well. Are you building a temple currently? Is there a new or old endeavor you have taken on that is causing you to forget who the actual builder is? Are you losing sleep over anxious toil? That job you applied for that you have no control over the outcome, the event you have planned that you advertised and prayed over but still constantly think about whether it will be successful? The project you started? The move you hope to make? The dream you have? The ministry you run? That thing that keeps you up at night wondering if you’ve done enough.  I don’t know what it is but unless the Lord builds the house , those who build it labor in vain. No one likes to fail. Failure feels like you’re worthless. But, I would ask, is your worth only tied to the success of that thing? Or does it rest in the builder? 

After the Holy Spirit spoke to my tired and anxious soul through scripture he reminded me again that God has a plan for this homeschool co op. He really only wants my obedience. The verses directly after that were “ Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth”. Psalm 127 3-4. Are you ready for this? Those verses were the verses the homeschool co op had been built on. They had been printed on our boards, shirts and social media pages. After that I slept like a 4yr old boy covered in marker on the hard stairs. 

1.When you go to sleep at night what are you holding on to from the day? Can you give that to God to be watchman?

2. Do you believe that thing you’re worried about is truly seen by God? Can’t he handle it?

3. Let’s be honest. Who do you think is truly building your life?

4. Are you eating the bread of anxious toil? Would you give that to God, and continue to hand it over everytime you pick it back up because he gives to his beloved sleep.

*I feel like I should give you an update. We currently have 143 kids registered and 60 classes available. Am I anxious? Honestly…..no, because Acts 5: 38-39 reassures me. “ So in the present case I tell you , keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them, you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”  This verse tells me if this co op is all the work of my friends and I then it honestly doesn’t stand a chance. However, If it is God’s handiwork, then a couple mistakes on my part can’t stop it. And I want to be on the side of watching God do his thing. 

When I was in eighth grade I tried out for the cheerleading squad. I had no particular tumbling skill and I was frequently told to speak up because I was soft spoken. You probably guessed how those tryouts went. As I sit back and remember it I had a pretty clear moment during my individual floor cheer as I was finishing  up what seemed like senseless yelling. I proceeded to run off the floor with what I think are called spirits hands and cheering something like “ Lets go Cardinals, Whohoo!” I recall being winded, unengaged and tired. The thought “what am I doing?” was definitely present between all my out of breath attempts at cheering. At the end of tryouts they post a list of who made it. Each girl more excited than the last to see they were chosen. I of course was not on that list. To be honest, for good reason because I really wasn’t a fit for cheer. However, I still felt that awful feeling of rejection as I looked at the sheet. It doesn’t intend to speak over you that you’re not enough, you’re irrelevant or not wanted but, somehow it does. Fast forward to my senior year of high school when I was elected to be on the sweetheart dance court. I believe there were four of us girls standing infront of a room full of people on the gym floor at the dance awaiting the voting results for who would be crowned king and queen. At this time it feels like all eyes are on you as you wait to hear if you were chosen. Everyone is snapping pictures and the anticipation or anxiety grows. Then the name is called. As I watched someone else being crowned while I was still standing in front of everyone, those same thoughts circled yet again; your unwanted, your irrelevant and your not enough. If you live any length of time , it’s inevitable you will be faced with rejection and disappointment . It could look very different for you; maybe it was a friendship, a divorce, a negative pregnancy test, you were passed over for a job, an absent parent, you didn’t make the team, your ideas were not chosen, you didn’t get accepted into that school or program. My point is rejection and disappointment comes in all shapes and sizes as well as a list of identifiers that if you’re not careful can become the way you view yourself, your identity. 

I love PSALM 139. This, before anything else, is your identifier. God formed you when no one else, not even your mother knew you. He formed your inward parts . He knit you together. God intricately designed you to be who you are. You were made on purpose for a purpose. He knows everyday that has been formed for you. Are you seeing what I’m seeing? You are in no way irrelevant. How can you be? He formed you, the creator of everything. You are not unwanted. He chose you. He intentionally knit you together. You are not forgotten. He knows when you sit down and when you rise up. He knows your thoughts before you even speak them. Psalm 139 says there is no where you can go that he is not with you. We must believe this truth about ourselves and be very careful to live through this identity because it’s the truest thing about you. Any other repeating thoughts are unworthy of your mind space. In John 10:10 Jesus is speaking to the Jews regarding his role as a shepherd. He also says the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy but he has come to give us life and give it abundantly. Whenever you have felt rejected , unloved, unwanted, or irrelevant did those thoughts feel life giving or did they feel destructive and kill your spirit? Those are not from the Father. If I live out of the untruths I allow myself to believe it destroys my worth. In full transparency I recently experienced this. I was overlooked or not chosen for something that I really thought was a place I should have been. I did let those feelings start to confuse my identity. Was I not chosen because I wasn’t “good enough”?  Maybe I was irrelevant as a choice?  I started to feel forgotten and unseen. Then I was reminded of Psalm 139 and where my identity rests. I saw once again my identity and worth is in HIM regardless of my circumstances. Even when I’m not picked, I’m chosen. Even when I’m not invited, I’m not forgotten. Even when I feel alone, he is with me. Even when I feel irrelevant I know he intricately made me and I will never be irrelevant to HIM. He is where I find my identity. I pray I continue to live out of this truth as life will continue to have disappointments and rejections. Because of the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ that girl who didnt see her name on the cheer list was still chosen and that girl who didn’t get crowned as queen at the dance is the daughter of the KING.

1. When things don’t go as expected, what is the dialog you have internally with yourself? Does this align with what God says about you?

2. Read PSALM 139; 23-24. Pray this asking if he would reveal to you things that are untrue about yourself that you have believed. Ask him to give you a fresh perspective on his heart for you.

3. Cut out some time and really dwell in PSALM 139; 13-16. How does this passage speak to you personally?

If I could sit down with you I would tell you the beauty and extent to which these verses have spoken to me.  I would tell you how I feel seen, loved, known and set apart by Jesus. He loved me when I felt unlovable. He saw me when I felt invisible. He comforted me when I felt hurt. He chose me when I felt unworthy. He protected my heart and mind when the world around me felt destructive. If you’re reading this he’s done the same for you.  

Deuteronomy 10:15

Ephesians 1:5

Titus 3:5

1 Peter 1; 3-7

Psalm 139

Jeremiah 1:5

1 Samuel 16: 6-7

1 John 4:4

Why start a blog? I have been writing here and there and sharing with a few friends. They would ask “When are you gonna share these with others?”. I wasn’t sure if that was something I was interested in or not. People are super busy and one more thing to read seems unnecessary, but if I write something someone else is meant to read who am I to not share it. So here we are friends. Share with whoever you think would like to read it. I can’t promise a specific amount of posting due to well… life, but know these post will come from a place of learning. My own shortcomings, brokenness and flesh that God is sanctifying.

The Bible says in the beginning was the Word and Jesus is the word. I have found that the only way for me to flourish in my walk with Jesus is to be in his Word daily. John 7:38 says “He who believes in me, as the scripture said, “From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water”. I’m no gardener, but I see that all living things need water to truly grow. I pray this is a space where I can share flesh to these scriptures in an authentic real way.