At The Feet of Jesus

Have you ever felt the emotion of fear? The Webster Dictionary defines it as an unpleasant , often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger and accompanied by increased autonomic activity. The weeks leading up to my scheduled CSection last fall were hard. I silently struggled with fear. Fear is something I’ve never wrestled through before. We have all experienced feelings of worry, anxiety, confusion, sadness or anger, but fear felt different.

Four years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my son I was determined to have a vaginal delivery. I had previously had two CSections and I wanted the experience of a natural birth. The type of birth you see in the movies and the birth I selfishly thought I deserved. We went almost 42 weeks with no labor so my doctor agreed to an induction. After arriving at the hospital , pitocin administered, and thirty hours of praying “ I’ll ride this out as long as you’ll let me, and please keep my baby safe”, my doctor sat on the edge of my bed and said “Right now I have a healthy mom and a healthy baby. If this continues most likely I will be performing an emergency CSection”. To which I replied “ this ship has sailed”. As I was put on the surgery table , completely numb from the chest down ( this for me is the most terrifying thing; my anxiety skyrockets and my blood pressure along with it. The reality that I can’t feel or move anything and the only part I can is tied down to the table with straps is the hardest part for my mindspace) he proceeded to cut through the layers; the skin, tissue, muscles and by the time he got to my uterus that held that sweet baby it just tore open. The pitocin had indeed been working but was pushing my son through my old CSection scar. I truly believe God was holding that scar together for us.

So here I was looking at that moment again. Thinking about that surgery table and what could have happened led me to spiral in fear. Every morning I would grab my Bible and journal then head to my spot in the corner. In my space where I meet with Jesus every morning is where the fear started to creep in. Slow at first but with every morning it increased. My thoughts were heavy and dark. I spent some of these mornings asking “Will I be sitting here in a couple weeks or will I never return from the hospital. If I do return will I return as the same person? Will I have a stroke? Will I be paralyzed because of a misplaced needle? Will I come home with my baby? Will I hold he/she in this very spot in my house? What will happen to the rest of my family? Will you draw them in ? What if I’m not here to lead them? What if something does happen, what will my faith look like after that?” The thoughts circled and circled . They got darker and darker and soon took over most of my thoughts through the day and night. When I did fall asleep I would wake up thinking about all these fears playing them over and over. Every morning I would sit in my spot and try to surrender them but they were loud. I prayed I would feel comfort and peace. During this time God continued to show up in many ways. He sent a friend who would bring me food once a week and leave it at my door. I received texts from friends that were praying for me. I specifically remember receiving a text one day that said “ God keeps pressing on me that you have a heaviness, you don’t have to. I’d like to help but I’m not sure what’s going on”. I kept silent about my struggles but consistently cried out to God in gratitude for sending people to comfort me. At this time I also had a playlist on Spotify called September 23rd. My situation had gotten so dark I had a whole set of songs dedicated to reminding me WHO I was supposed to run to with my fears. The Holy Spirit seemed to hand pick them for me. On two different occasions God reassured me regarding the fears around my other children. Last Summer during a worship service at church camp my oldest went down to the altar to pray with a friend. I knew in that moment it wasn’t an altar call, but it was a glimpse of the process. I could see him drawing her in. I remember the song very clearly. I had added that song to my playlist . One day while listening to it my daughter said “Oh, I remember this song playing when I was at the altar”. It was as if God was answering some of my questions. “ See, I am leading her, she is mine”. And then again the day my second oldest went to the altar at church to pray for me. “See, I am drawing her in too, she is mine”.

In those last couple days before my CSection date I continued to meet with Jesus just like every morning and I tried to surrender my fear over and over until I got to Luke, one of the gospels, 10:38-42. I had been reading the Bible in a year and this was my scripture for the day:

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me”. But the Lord answered her, “ Martha, Martha you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her”.

At first I read this and said, “Jesus, I’m not Martha, I’m Mary everytime in this story. I meet with you, at your feet every morning. Why am I still struggling? I’m not rushing around, I’m being still”! I heard him say “ Read it again”. This time I saw something different, something I had never seen before. Yes, my posture was at the feet of Jesus but my mind was not. My mind was Martha. Think about it, whenever you’re preparing for guests to come over of course you’re running around the house getting the last minute things done, but you’re not running as fast as your mind. “Did I clean that upstairs sink? Are all my dishes done? Did I vacuum my baseboards in every room? What time did I tell everyone to arrive, I can’t remember. When did I put that dish in the oven? Maybe I should put more chairs out? You get it . I was at his feet but my mind was somewhere else completely. I cried. I cried a lot. I read and reread that passage. I let it wash over me. “ Martha, Martha you are anxious and troubled about many things, but only one is necessary”. Clear your mind, dwell at the feet of Jesus.

I’d like you to imagine a merry-go round. You get on it and you sit in the middle but then it starts to spin. It starts to spin so fast even though you’re sitting you feel sick and out of control. You’re yelling for it to stop but it just keeps getting faster. Suddenly someone comes and puts their hand on that bar. The merry-go round stops. After you get your bearings, you stand up, take their hand and step out on sure ground. This is how I felt. With one word Jesus had stopped the circling.

On Tuesday, October 24th I went in for my CSection. I was somewhat nervous but I had peace. It was my turn, I was called into the room. As I climbed on that table I whispered “only one thing is necessary’. They laid me down . Right before they began my doctor got called downstairs for an emergency. There I was, at the feet of Jesus. I repeated “Martha, Martha you are anxious and troubled about many things but only one thing is necessary”. With the only thing I can describe as the peace that passes all understanding, I laid there for fifteen minutes in complete silence waiting at the feet of Jesus. My doctor later returned and successfully delivered my beautiful baby girl.

It was a few days after I had been discharged and was at home when I read the story of Peter and Jesus. Peter was one of Jesus’ closest friends. Jesus loved Peter. Peter had walked with Jesus for three years. He had seen Jesus heal people, Jesus walk on water, bring the dead to life and many other miraculous things. Before Jesus was arrested he looked at a very sure Peter and told him “Simon, Simon, behold Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again. Strengthen your brothers”. Luke 22;31-32. Again this very sure Peter said he’d go to prison and to death with Jesus. Jesus told him “Peter, the rooster will not crow today until you have denied me three times”. After the people took Jesus, Peter did just what was said, he denied Jesus three times, the rooster crowed, and Peter wept bitterly.

As I read that I understood Peter in a way I had never before. I too knew Jesus, I had sat with him, I’d seen him move in unmoveable situations. How could my faith be so little that I allowed myself to become consumed with all those anxious thoughts and fear? I can’t imagine the guilt and shame Peter felt after that. But then again, I can. In that moment I felt it. I felt shame and guilt for struggling for so long. But I remembered the rest of the story. After Jesus was crucified then resurrected he appeared to his disciples for many days. In the Gospel John, Jesus and Peter are sitting by a fire. Jesus asks Peter three times if he loves him. He tells Peter; feed my sheep, feed my lambs, tend my sheep. Bible scholars believe Jesus is redeeming/restoring Peter in that scripture. Then Jesus closes with his original call “Follow me”. I sat in that for a little. Yes I felt shame and guilt BUT Jesus. He wants to restore me. I embraced the grace.

Have you been there? Have you let thoughts or dark periods stay a little too long and now you just feel guilty and ashamed? Maybe you’ve made some bad choices or better yet denied Jesus. It doesn’t matter. Let your guilt go and embrace the grace that he freely offers. Let him restore you. Sit with him, at the feet of Jesus and follow him.

Reflection:

Do you have a set place where you talk to Jesus? If so, are you allowing your mind to create space in this time to truly lay at the feet of Jesus?

Have you ever experienced paralyzing fear or anxiety? If you can reflect on this, where did you see God walking with you?

Have you surrounded yourself with people God can use to comfort you? Pray for you? Help point you to truth? If so great, what a blessing. If not, please pray for a community like that.
Do you allow your thoughts to go to a dark place? If so, I’ve found it so helpful to have my verses ready for battle. What are yours?
Be honest. Are you in the word daily? We can’t expect internal transformation without digesting his Word.

If you find yourself in a place of fear because your thoughts are spiraling, please don’t keep quiet. The longer you entertain these thoughts the louder they will get. Find a trustworthy friend who you know will pray with you and point you to scripture and truth.